The art of knowing myself

Each semester at University has had its distinct theme:
Fall 2011: HOLY SHIT THIS IS COLLEGE. THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE GAY, TO FAIL, TO PUT MYSELF OUT THERE, TO NEVER SLEEP, AND TO NEVER STOP DANCING.
Winter 2012: Oh, this is what it’s like to never see the sun and to never stop reading and to lose my eyesight and myself.
Fall 2012: This is what love feels like, this is what it’s like to have people who get you and are there for you, this is what experience feels like.
Winter 2012: Things fall apart, things will be ok, the world doesn’t exist but it’s prettier that way.
Fall 2013: Summer can last into fall but winter comes quick and this is what it’s like to dive into a snowbank of knowledge and feels and space.
Winter 2013: I know myself and I love myself. I will fall I will cry I will learn I will grow I will succeed and I will become closer to myself.

After 6 (woah!) semesters I can firmly say that I am closer to knowing myself than ever before. I have changed so much and I will continue to change but I finally feel like I’m am reaching a comfortable plateau of selfhood.

I realize that I have people who are there for me. My family has grown out from the same house to inhabit two states thousands of miles away and somedays I only love technology to hear their voices. I am so happy that I live with a great friend and that I am only minutes and miles away from others. I am so blessed to have a network that believe in the same things I do and that, no matter what, they will be there to keep me rooted and keep me challenged so I can continue to grow. My network remains friendly, leftist, queer, and anti-society, and they let me know that my feelings are always valid.

But outside of the family I have and have created there are days where I seem to disappear. I float between walls and windows and lose myself to others and to clouds. But I remain trapped within the world and reality and I know my limits and know my comfort. I can feel a landslide and can feel destruction and that feeling morphs into self-care that I have finally honed.

University has taught me so much. I have taught myself so much. I am being taught everyday. Knowledge has gained an immense value this semester because it comes in the form of classes, groups, friends, parties, clubs, reading groups, books, music, and the sun. Knowing that knowing comes from everything in my life is comforting.

And after reaching this plateau I sometimes take excursions off the cliff and into the hidden depths of lakes and potholes that remain ever present. I let myself feel too much, I invest too much. And this surplus of trust that spills over into, now, ruin has helped me stay vulnerable. Vulnerability has been my biggest teacher this semester and that’s ok.

So at the end of the day, the end of the semester, and the end of winter I can say that I at least know and love myself. Some will enter my life and then leave, some will stay for a while and part ways, some will be taken from me. But there is a beautiful art to knowing myself and loving myself that I can finally say that I am starting to understand. And only in this position now can I say that I am so happy to continue to grow, to love, to learn, and to go blue.

queer love, rainbows, fire, and poetry.
until next semester,
taylor.

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